Where the path of Yoga took me, and it’s not what you would typically think..
I used to do yoga and meditation, for many years.
It was in my early 20’s when yoga became super mainstream and was the ‘buzz’ thing to do. It had this specific air about it, and that you will become so enlightened if you do it. You know what I’m talking about, right?! So, because I was super cool and full of ego, I tried it. I enjoyed it. I added it to my life, but it was never a regular thing. It was sporadic, whenever I felt like it. It could be months in between each practice.
Back then, because I loved to party, loved to drink and smoke and dance and have sex, these things were considered my regular practice.
This went on for a few years.
I then got into a serious relationship with my forever man. Had a kid. Started building our dream house. Had another kid. Yoga still being a sporadic part of my life. But as the seasons flowed, the practice deepened.
In between kids, I experienced some traumatic events that rocked my entire being.
There was a continuation of experiences that kept screaming into my soul. But being a proper people pleaser, having no idea what a boundary was, being so scared to use my voice, supressing anything and everything because I didn’t want to hurt anyone or be the one to upset the dynamics, the list goes on, the hurt kept seeping deeper and deeper and the grief was becoming terrifying.
I took on yoga and meditation as a way to heal.
But when trauma took over my life, I knew I needed more. So, as well as yoga and meditation, I went to talk therapy. I did a lot of it at various stages, for different traumatic things that I was experiencing with different people. It didn’t really help.
Yoga became my escape. It taught me mind-body awareness, and back then, that was immensely healing and what I thought I needed. It made me feel good on the surface. It was also helpful for my pregnancies, for my recovering postpartum days, and for ways in which were much more healthier than supressing with drugs or partying which was what I knew. I didn’t know it at the time, but it was also my way of bypassing a lot of shit. There was still something much deeper that I longed to tap into, and I thought yoga and meditation would take me there.
I’d done long Sadhana’s, went on retreats, explored different types of Yoga, I was really in that world.
Then, after my 2nd baby, I had this vision that I wanted to run retreats in my community as back then, there wasn’t really anything where I lived. I really wanted to get a space happening where everyone could experience some sort of goodness as well, and together, we could all become better humans!
So I asked a friend back then if she’d collaborate with me and run these retreats as I was not certified to teach yoga. Thankfully, our paths got entangled and truths were shown, friendships lost, trust and respect were obliterated. It taught me a lot and took me a while to digest. Recovering from this my mind went to – why don’t I just become certified as a yoga teacher and do it myself?
As seasons passed but trauma still very present, I had questions. While doing my daily practices, I become so fixated on the whys. Why do we do this particular pose, what muscle groups is this activating, what are the deeper philosophies here, where do these teachings actually come from, why this sequence? Why? Why? Why?
So the only way I knew how to get these answers and to fulfill my dreams of facilitating retreats was to study it. After a couple of years pondering the thought, I signed up for my yoga teacher training, bought all the books, and went in hard.
But something felt off. Diving into the roots of yoga and realising that it comes from men, feelings of disconnect started to emerge. Where are the teachings about women’s bodies and women’s cycles and the differences we inherently hold? I was beginning to really feel the rigidity of the practices, the masculine became prominent in my experiences – foot here, leg there, arm here, hold there, chant this, hum that. I started to go into a well of misalignment (but also full alignment with my soul now that I look back) with yoga. My questions and study became my path to a much deeper understanding about myself, and the world around me. My massive ego soon became shattered to pieces and everything I hoped and desired about my path as a yoga teacher and facilitator quickly became so much more.
Realising as I read the scriptures, studied the philosophies, learnt the physiology of the body and origins of what I was learning, I quickly started to become very disconnected from it all, because the woman inside of me was screaming out for more.
My soul spoke. My ego shattered. My nervous system was still wailing.
Then clarity hit. How the fuck could I teach this to others, if I was not fully living and embodying the absolute essence of yoga? How could I stand there and try and teach something that wasn’t sparking the core of my soul?
It just really wasn’t landing. How could I call myself a yogi, let alone teach this to others, when this wasn’t something that I completely embodied. The core of yoga was not something that was embedded in every cell of my being. It was just something that was nicely wrapped up in my ego, tied with a white assed ribbon.
Yes, it was something I did for a long time. I did the practices. I meditated. I felt the true connection when mind, body and spirit really were in harmony. But at the same time I realised I can get that very same feeling from many other things in life. I’d put yoga and meditation on some pedestal. Was I living it through everything I did. No. Not at all. It was just something that I thought was going to take me to some enlightened world and help me heal. And in ways, it did.
But the cracks began to show. Being confronted with this in myself, it quickly spiralled into seeing this and the vast world of ‘spiritual healers’ in a similar light. Witnessing people who call themselves healers, who work in the world of ‘spirituality’ – in whatever modality you can think of, can somehow talk the talk but be so deeply disembodied from the actual truth of what they are so elegantly spitting out. Their words are spells; they speak textbook jargon. They can relay the scripture but yet speak evil tongues behind your back. They walk with their head held above yours. Not equal to. With their nose slightly tilted to the sky smelling frankincense while looking down at everyone else. Holding commercialised sage bundles made by slaves to ward of negative energy while inhaling drugs on the weekend. Putting a crystal on their third eye to align their chakras while simultaneously remaining in toxic and abusive relationships. Holding space for women but don’t even know what a real woman is. Talking of love and light but yet refuse to acknowledge their own truth. To actually embody the very thing that they preach. I could see right through the bullshit. Mine, and theirs. Yes, there are incredible humans who do embody what they preach. For sure! But to find one these days seems to be as hard as finding a four-leafed clover.
My world shook. My shadows started filtering through. Thing became somewhat harder and I realised it was time to sink into the dark. Something I was avoiding because the truth was fucking frightening.
So as yet another dark knight of the soul arose, I kept doing my practices, but they began to look a lot different.
During yoga classes, I began to listen to what my body actually wanted and needed. Not some sequence that someone else made up for the masses. So, I would stop a guided practice halfway through and go into simple intuitive movement guided by my body, my womb, my pussy, my woman. Again, questioning how can someone else know what is best for me right now? Why am I giving my time and energy outside of myself in the hopes that this practice will fulfill my desires right now? They didn’t know my body, my mind, what season I was in, where I was at in my cycle, the trauma that engulfed my body, my shattered nervous system. And so when I finally learnt to listen, I heard – no this isn’t actually how my body wants to move right now. It wants to move this way. I began to sit and listen to what my deeper needs and wants were. What my body wanted to say, not what I allowed it to be told by others. Not by any other teachings with many diminishing threads.
Going to a yoga class soon became something of the past. Listening to a meditation about ascension, manifestation and love and light soon became connecting with my womb, my pussy, my cervix and my cycle. No teacher, no healer, no prompts from anyone else. Just pure intuitive embodied movement and a specific type of listening that was just waiting to be acknowledged.
I felt the waters of my own womb space and sank into the troubled waters of my mothers, mothers, mothers blood that vibrated through me singing ~ go deeper.
I didn’t finish my yoga teacher training. I’ve never dived into that since.
I discovered a whole new way of being. An embodied way. I began to understand my nervous system and heal my trauma on my own because I stopped searching out there for the fix. Finally understanding that yoga and meditation could only take me so far, and I chose that path so it could help unlock the truth.
I began to feel through my body. But actually FEEL. Like the feeling that requires you to accept so much uncomfortability and one that not many people know how to hold. I found safety within for the first time since trauma hit, and I allowed myself to fully tap into the rage and anger that was trapped within my system by simply letting it move through me, allowing my spirit to flow freely without someone else’s suggestions. Acknowledging it through my body and giving it a voice for the first time ever. Rage. Anger. Grief. Sadness. Hurt. Things that a yoga class or meditation sure as hell couldn’t reach. But what I learnt is that I could express this in healthy and loving ways, which I didn’t know existed because no one had ever shown me.
I was being guided by me.
I discovered that there is no teacher out there greater than the one within. I discovered that if you allow yourself to feel the true emotion and not supress it, the liberation and freedom you can feel is so real. I discovered the woman within and allowed myself to move in ways that felt ancient and primitive. I discovered that boundaries were a thing, and that I didn’t actually have to put up with shitty relationships or shitty behaviours. I practiced using my voice, saying no and speaking my truth, and watched the shitty relationships and shitty behaviours thankfully fall away. All things I was subconsciously hoping yoga and meditation would teach me.
I began to heal my trauma in a somatic way. Which I didn’t even know was a thing back then. But after a few years of listening and moving in ways that only intuition knows how, I came to discover a whole new world. Embodiment and Somatic Trauma Therapy dropping in like it’s always been there.
Yoga and meditation only took me so far, and I am forever grateful for that path which showed me a lot of truths within myself, and truths within others. It is a wonderful tool used by millions around the world now and can be greatly healing. But like most things these days, especially in the ‘spiritual world’, it’s become so westernised and the true roots of it washed away by pretty Instagram reels and $150 yoga leggings. Combining yoga class with alcohol to have a nice time to release by consuming drugs while you flow?! Retreats run by inauthentic robots who don’t even know who they actually are but will happily go to countries all over the world being a digital nomad yogi healer entrepreneur, only adding to the capitalism and colonisation. Completely forgetting and refusing to acknowledge their own backyard or paying respects to the very land they walk on all because they want the followers and seek the validation to fill the deep void.
I share my experience because I know a lot of this will hit you, like it did me.
I share my experience because I want you to know that the unlimited amount of healers and coaches and teachers and leaders and therapists out there can’t take you to the depths of yourself like you can.
You don’t need the all-consuming never-ending world of shit out there. You don’t need an overpriced course to get you there. You don’t need an on-trend training to fill the void.
You just need yourself, the land on which you are on, the courage to actually listen to the deeper, darker parts of the internal self, to immerse in nature and connect to the unseen.
Give it a go.
I love you.